All New Princeton-Medbloro Logo Contest!

Due to a recent influx of not-the-greatest publicity (PMTH is still seeking a new PR representative, by the way), the Executive Board of PMTH has found it necessary to rebrand the hospital. 

Since we are a hospital that values community input and togetherness, we would like to give the community the opportunity to take part in our makeover.

PMTH seeks both a new logo and a new hospital motto for our website. Keep in mind that the new hospital motto should encompass the spirit of PMTH: Education, Donuts, Scut Work, and Pure Incompetence. 

We will be accepting submissions from now until November 10th, 2014. The submissions for logo and motto will be voted on by the PMTH community as well, and the winner will get….um…. a prize of some sort (TBD). 

So get crackin!


tastefullyoffensive:

[jimbenton]

PMTH STAFF: NOTE OUR NEW EBOLA POLICY.


PR specialist needed.

Thanks to some very public off-duty shenanigans by the Drs. Cranquis and Baffled, PMTH is now in need of a really good Public Relations Specialist. 

If you would like to apply for this position, please submit your qualifications and your suggestions for how you would handle the media circus that is forming around our former Deans if you were our chief PR guru. 


Q
FOR THE RECORD, CODE ORANGE IS NOT TO BE CALLED JUST BECAUSE THE COFFEE SHOP HAS PUMPKIN SPICE AGAIN. It is, however a preparation sign for us to all be on the lookout.
A

Blech. Who likes pumpkin spice anyway.

Doesn’t even taste like punkins. 


Q
What ever happened work that donut consumption fellowship we applied for? I left the paperwork for the ACGME in the education office months ago!
A

The fellowship application is still in limbo with the ACGME, unfortunately. Since it would be the very first fellowship of its kind, there are many hoops to jump through before PMTH gets full accreditation. I have been fielding many calls from representatives at the ACGME about this fellowship, such as:

  • will we have DO staff available to teach donut consumption, and will we have set-aside spots for DO applicants? (duh, of course we will)
  • will donut consumption education be limited to certain schools of donut theory, such as Krispy or Dunkin, or will our education cover all possible realms of donut thought? (this will of course be left to  individual attendings’ discretion)
  • will cronut or beignet electives be offered? (possibly) 
  • what work hour restrictions will we follow? (education times will revolve around Hot Now sign availability, of course)
  • what about bagels? (what about them?)

Well, you get the drift, Dr. Baffled. I thank you for your dedication to the educational opportunities here at PMTH and would like to suggest that further inquiries from the ACGME be directed to your office. With your donut devotion and expertise, we could be open for applications by January!

-WayfaringMD, Dean of PMTH


mediiolab:

I would like to submit this to the princeton-medbloro curriculum, subject “Bedside Manner 101.” cc wayfaringmd

[via merlin]

Everyone please take a moment to observe and learn proper patient interaction techniques from our illustrious attending, Dr. Marc Wazizname. Med students, take note of his compassionate demeanor and the way he fully devotes his attention to the patients. -mgmt


Q
Members of the IT staff are reminded that their Manditory Humanity/Big Room/Outdoors exposure sessions are not explicitly satisfied by going to the Beach-Like swimming pool. You will not be able to weasel out of actual exposure to nature, nerds!
A

NOTICE TO ALL IT STAFF


Beach-like swimming pool area requested

As a Physical therapist working in this hospital, I found out that the patients undergoing rehabilitation using pool therapy have so many complaints. (1. why is the water ‘too low’ , 2. why aren’t there any donut areas near the pool area, 3. why is the building ‘so boring’) . In order to provide holistic care for my patients, i do request that a pool area that mimics  an indoor beach be constructed. Of course, there should be donut bars and coffee shops near the area , clubs would also be nice but i guess won;t be approved. The area should also have a ‘tanning area’ and all the luxuries of a “true” beach so that patients with dementia would not be confused  would be able to fully enjoy their exercises and sight-seeing  of the other patients.

The administration at PMTH is currently very bogged down in the construction of the Pillow Fort Wing, but will take your proposal of an indoor beach into consideration for our next construction project, slated to begin in 2043. A few compromises must be made, however:

1) the pool must be kidney shaped. You know, because hospital. 

2) Patients must rest 30 minutes after donuts before going in the water. 

3) Tanning privileges should be limited to patients with Vitamin D deficiency. 

4) No speedos. 


PMTH Breaks Ground for the All-New Statler E. Cranquis Pillow-Fort Wing

Thanks to several generous donations from Tempur-Pedic, Sear’s, Ashley Furniture, and Mason’s Brick Supply, PMTH is excited to begin construction on a brand new Pediatrics wing. 

The design of the Statler E. Cranquis Pillow Fort Wing, as it will be named, was inspired by a recent interview Dr. Cranquis gave with In-Training. Our current pediatrics wing is full of hard floors and sharp corners, bright lights, and roomy hallways. Things, of course, not conducive to fostering childlike wonderment and imagination. 

We at PMTH are committed to encouraging imagination and fostering a sense of wonderment in our pediatric patients—yes, even those who are seriously ill—so in the spirit of that commitment, we contracted with a team of biomedical engineers, architects, and contractors to design a new Peds wing that would put the focus on fun before sterility and safety.

The Cranquis Fort, as it is affectionately being nicknamed, will be constructed entirely out of specially engineered stain and fluid resistant, hypoallergenic, down-free, self-sterilizing pillows and couch cushions. The wing will be lit with white christmas lights and dim flashlights and a strict no-shoes policy will be enforced there. The quilted ceilings will have a maximum height of 5 feet (speaking of which: we are also searching for more nursing staff for the wing. Applicants under 5 feet tall will be given preference.).

There will be no individual rooms in the Cranquis Fort. Patients will be housed ward-style and separated by age. Age-appropriate books, board games, and puzzles will be provided in each ward, as the Cranquis Fort will also be screen-free.

In celebration of the groundbreaking ceremony, the nutrition department has developed a special limited-time-only pillow-fort menu for the adult patients of PMTH, which will replace green jello with s’mores and gatorade with hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. This menu will of course be available at all times in the Pillow Fort Wing. 

Donations of pillows, blankets, Christmas lights, and flashlight batteries, as well as cold hard cash, are always appreciated at PMTH. 


If you’re not building with sofa cushions, you’re not a pillow fort builder.

Dr. cranquis in his H&P Podcast interview

Stay tuned for a big announcement from PMTH!


Q
Additionally, Code Orange will be broadcast on all on-call pagers once Halloween candy begins showing up in the administrative offices. We do not want a repeat of last year's "Oh, we only have black licorice left." Additionally, we will be monitoring communal bowls of candies as last year's M&M, Skittles, and Reeses Pieces cross-contamination left three people in the 3-Phase 240v Faith In Humanity Restorer for two days.
A

You heard the man!


Q
Dear PMTH. I would like to apply for a 4 week elective placement at your hospital. I am a final year medical student from New Zealand hoping to complete an elective virtual medicine. I have particular interests in coffee making, bringing home made baking to work, and thankless grunt work. I believe that your hospital would be a great place to gain valuable experience in these areas. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to your reply. Thank you, Yours sincerely... anonymous.
Anonymous
A

Ah, the esteemed virtual medicine elective. 

Well, your interests and special skills would definitely come in handy around here.

And you already have a nice blend-in-the-backgroundable grey face, so….

you’re hired! Name your date!


NOTICE OF NEW CODE

With the initiation of the new donuts = grades rule for the medical students, PMTH would like to announce the new CODE: HOT NOW. This code will not be announced over the intercom system, but instead will be sent to all on-call doctors’ pagers when fresh donuts are delivered to the doctor’s lounge.  


NOTICE TO ALL MEDICAL STUDENTS

Grades on all rotations will now be directly proportional to the internal temperature of the Krispy Kreme donuts that medical students bring to morning rounds (and points will be docked for non-Krispy Kreme donuts). Bonus points will be given at attendings’ discretion for each hot dozen delivered to the hospital after midnight on 30 hour call shifts. 


Q
Dear Admissions Committee: Howdy. I would like to apply for an internship. I haven't attended medical school, but I have 4 years of prior work as a TSA agent. Unfortunately, with the introduction of full body scanners, I no longer enjoy the nature of this work, and I'm looking to apply my skill set elsewhere. Thank you. P.S. I went to Harvard.
Anonymous
A

What?! A Harvard-trained TSA agent?! What luck! There are SOOO many things PMTH could use you for. You have such a wonderful array of skills already, just waiting to be utilized!

My dear, take your pick from the following internships:

- Emergency Department or Psych Floor Security Teams: True, we don’t see many terrorists here at PMTH, but we do get our fair share of gang fights, domestic disputes, and angry ex-girlfriends through the Emergency department. Your job would be to spot and neutralize the angry perps in a quick and safe fashion. On the psychiatric floor, we have been known to be visited by Jesus hundreds of times, as well as George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Captain Kangaroo. All of these important people of course need protection from themselves and others, which is where you come in. No medical background required. 

- Urology or Gynecology Departments: You’ve done your fair share of digital rectal exams, right? Put those skills to work! No medical school required! Here you will learn the art of the cavity search from real professionals!

- Radiology Department: Take your knowledge gained from identifying bombs and switchblades in bags to identify tumors, sex toys, quarters, and cucumbers in various body orifices.

- Foreign Body Retrieval Team: This team, staffed by members of the GI, Urology, Ob/GYN, Interventional Radiology, and Pulmonology Departments would love to have you! Applicants without medical backgrounds must first complete entry-level internships in both Radiology and Endoscopy before applying. The FBRT will give you the training you need to make full body scanners completely obsolete!

We understand that for security purposes you wish to remain anonymous on your application. However, before being given a hospital name badge we must first, of course, learn your name. Please report to Human Resources with your Harvard Diploma and TSA-issued lanyards for proof of your identity and qualifications.