PMTH Breaks Ground for the All-New Statler E. Cranquis Pillow-Fort Wing

Thanks to several generous donations from Tempur-Pedic, Sear’s, Ashley Furniture, and Mason’s Brick Supply, PMTH is excited to begin construction on a brand new Pediatrics wing. 

The design of the Statler E. Cranquis Pillow Fort Wing, as it will be named, was inspired by a recent interview Dr. Cranquis gave with In-Training. Our current pediatrics wing is full of hard floors and sharp corners, bright lights, and roomy hallways. Things, of course, not conducive to fostering childlike wonderment and imagination. 

We at PMTH are committed to encouraging imagination and fostering a sense of wonderment in our pediatric patients—yes, even those who are seriously ill—so in the spirit of that commitment, we contracted with a team of biomedical engineers, architects, and contractors to design a new Peds wing that would put the focus on fun before sterility and safety.

The Cranquis Fort, as it is affectionately being nicknamed, will be constructed entirely out of specially engineered stain and fluid resistant, hypoallergenic, down-free, self-sterilizing pillows and couch cushions. The wing will be lit with white christmas lights and dim flashlights and a strict no-shoes policy will be enforced there. The quilted ceilings will have a maximum height of 5 feet (speaking of which: we are also searching for more nursing staff for the wing. Applicants under 5 feet tall will be given preference.).

There will be no individual rooms in the Cranquis Fort. Patients will be housed ward-style and separated by age. Age-appropriate books, board games, and puzzles will be provided in each ward, as the Cranquis Fort will also be screen-free.

In celebration of the groundbreaking ceremony, the nutrition department has developed a special limited-time-only pillow-fort menu for the adult patients of PMTH, which will replace green jello with s’mores and gatorade with hot chocolate with extra marshmallows. This menu will of course be available at all times in the Pillow Fort Wing. 

Donations of pillows, blankets, Christmas lights, and flashlight batteries, as well as cold hard cash, are always appreciated at PMTH. 


If you’re not building with sofa cushions, you’re not a pillow fort builder.

Dr. cranquis in his H&P Podcast interview

Stay tuned for a big announcement from PMTH!


Q
Additionally, Code Orange will be broadcast on all on-call pagers once Halloween candy begins showing up in the administrative offices. We do not want a repeat of last year's "Oh, we only have black licorice left." Additionally, we will be monitoring communal bowls of candies as last year's M&M, Skittles, and Reeses Pieces cross-contamination left three people in the 3-Phase 240v Faith In Humanity Restorer for two days.
A

You heard the man!


Q
Dear PMTH. I would like to apply for a 4 week elective placement at your hospital. I am a final year medical student from New Zealand hoping to complete an elective virtual medicine. I have particular interests in coffee making, bringing home made baking to work, and thankless grunt work. I believe that your hospital would be a great place to gain valuable experience in these areas. I thank you for your consideration and look forward to your reply. Thank you, Yours sincerely... anonymous.
Anonymous
A

Ah, the esteemed virtual medicine elective. 

Well, your interests and special skills would definitely come in handy around here.

And you already have a nice blend-in-the-backgroundable grey face, so….

you’re hired! Name your date!


NOTICE OF NEW CODE

With the initiation of the new donuts = grades rule for the medical students, PMTH would like to announce the new CODE: HOT NOW. This code will not be announced over the intercom system, but instead will be sent to all on-call doctors’ pagers when fresh donuts are delivered to the doctor’s lounge.  


NOTICE TO ALL MEDICAL STUDENTS

Grades on all rotations will now be directly proportional to the internal temperature of the Krispy Kreme donuts that medical students bring to morning rounds (and points will be docked for non-Krispy Kreme donuts). Bonus points will be given at attendings’ discretion for each hot dozen delivered to the hospital after midnight on 30 hour call shifts. 


Q
Dear Admissions Committee: Howdy. I would like to apply for an internship. I haven't attended medical school, but I have 4 years of prior work as a TSA agent. Unfortunately, with the introduction of full body scanners, I no longer enjoy the nature of this work, and I'm looking to apply my skill set elsewhere. Thank you. P.S. I went to Harvard.
Anonymous
A

What?! A Harvard-trained TSA agent?! What luck! There are SOOO many things PMTH could use you for. You have such a wonderful array of skills already, just waiting to be utilized!

My dear, take your pick from the following internships:

- Emergency Department or Psych Floor Security Teams: True, we don’t see many terrorists here at PMTH, but we do get our fair share of gang fights, domestic disputes, and angry ex-girlfriends through the Emergency department. Your job would be to spot and neutralize the angry perps in a quick and safe fashion. On the psychiatric floor, we have been known to be visited by Jesus hundreds of times, as well as George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Captain Kangaroo. All of these important people of course need protection from themselves and others, which is where you come in. No medical background required. 

- Urology or Gynecology Departments: You’ve done your fair share of digital rectal exams, right? Put those skills to work! No medical school required! Here you will learn the art of the cavity search from real professionals!

- Radiology Department: Take your knowledge gained from identifying bombs and switchblades in bags to identify tumors, sex toys, quarters, and cucumbers in various body orifices.

- Foreign Body Retrieval Team: This team, staffed by members of the GI, Urology, Ob/GYN, Interventional Radiology, and Pulmonology Departments would love to have you! Applicants without medical backgrounds must first complete entry-level internships in both Radiology and Endoscopy before applying. The FBRT will give you the training you need to make full body scanners completely obsolete!

We understand that for security purposes you wish to remain anonymous on your application. However, before being given a hospital name badge we must first, of course, learn your name. Please report to Human Resources with your Harvard Diploma and TSA-issued lanyards for proof of your identity and qualifications.


Pimp Answers

The EKG changes associated with pulmonary embolism are:

  • S1Q3T3 (the classic test answer)
    • a prominent S wave in lead I
    • a Q wave and inverted T wave in lead III
  • sinus tachycardia (MOST COMMON)
  • T wave inversion in leads V1 - V3
  • Right Bundle Branch Block

PMTH Pimps again

What EKG changes are classically seen with a pulmonary embolism?


Oh oh pick me!

Look no further for your Director of Dining! As an M2 who loves to bake, I can guarantee full bellies and afternoon sugar crashes.

True story: I have green jello in my cupboard because I was planning on creating a human-sized skull with jello, and then pouring an opaque jello brain inside. An ode to passing neuroscience, you know. For enhanced gustatory confusion, I’d flavor the green jello with jalapeno peppers, and the brain with white cheddar. (And just so you know, I’m pretty sure in France, salty gelatin things are called aspics.)

My talents are numerous and include sleeping on airplanes, scruffing mice, and using my imagination. I also make a mean eyeball cake pop.

PMTH is always in need of extra help in the kitchen. You’re hired!


Q
Is the position of Chief of Desserts already filled? I'm also willing to settle for lunch lady, but only if I don't have to wear a hairnet.
A

What a stroke of luck! An applicant!

The job of Director of Dining is yours IF you submit your own original recipe containing the ingredients listed in the original job listing. 

This job will of course be in addition to your regular med student duties. 

-mgmt


Chef Wanted

PMTH’s dearly loved Director of Dining, Chef Bork von Bleurdebleugh, has recently given notice of his intention to retire almost immediately. 

Thus, PMTH will now be accepting applications for head cafeteria chef/Director of Dining and for a Sous chef.

Please submit your best recipe (all recipes MUST include green jello, mystery meat, frozen peas and carrots, grilled cheese sandwiches, or pancakes as an ingredient) along with your qualifications to the PMTH submissions box


Medical School Application

     I would like to apply to your most esteemed medical program! I am an incoming MS1 and am perfectly qualified to preform all of the scut work required of a medical student in return for a top notch medical education.

     I will bring a number of qualities to your hospital staff & medical teams that may not be present… Positive qualities that I can bring to any medical team are my positive, laid back attitude; my quaint southern charm; a “charming” southern drawl; lots of down home sayings; the ability to think quick on my feet & some minor medical experiences.

     My medical experience thus far comes from creative last minute solutions to problems that my family has encountered over the years. I have made crutches out of a 2x4 after I broke my leg fixin the roof after the last hurricane. I have lanced the boil on my Dad’s back and packed it with alcohol on some cotton balls. I have also made an emergency catheter for my grandpa after he thought he was gonna pass out from his prostate problems, but that’s a conversation for another day.

   My weaknesses are coffee and huntin’. I may or may not be a coffee “addict” and usually call in for a day off on the first days of Deer, Duck & Squirrel seasons. I am also prone to vasovagal episodes when I see babys being born, so OB/GYN probably shouldn’t be where I work regularly; unless yall find people passin’ out to be comical. 

     Being a medical student at your center would be an honor and would be the chance of a life time!!!

From PMTH: 

You have been accepted! As an MS1, your main job will be to study and provide occasional donuts to the break room (no “special” donuts, please). It would also be appreciated if you would submit your PMTH Morning Report Post sometime before Christmas on any medical topic you choose. 

Also, have you been made aware of the Southern Belle Medblr Dynasty (with its own tag and everything)? Southern Belles and Gentlemen are most welcome. 


NEW INTERNS — FINALLY

DANGNABBIT I’VE BEEN WAITING 4 MONTHS FOR JULY TO ROLL AROUND. MY PROSTATE’S BEEN ACTING UP SOMETHING FIERCE, AND ALL I WANT IS SOMEBOY TO REFILL MY EXPIRED FLOMAX PRESCRIPTION WITHOUT DEMANDING TO STICK A FINGER UP MY POOPER AND POKE ON MY PROSTATE.

NOW THAT THE CLINIC IS FULL OF FRESH INTERNS, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO “DEFER” THE RECTAL WITHOUT MUCH DIFFICULTY. (IT HELPS TO NOT SHOWER FOR ABOUT A WEEK BEFOREHAND, AND EAT NOTHING BUT TACO BELL FOR BREAKFAST DAY OF THE APPOINTMENT).


Q
How many students or rather, followers does this have on here. Are you taking in more applications now hahahahhahahahaha I believe I make good toast and coffee ya know.
Anonymous
A

Currently 897 Employees/Students/Patients.

And we are always accepting applications for tea and toasters.